I thought these sh*tty years was over for life when I came to 7th grade. And they where, until now… I also thought that the years of my depression was over. After having it for seven years and just fought through it while on 9th grade, I really didn’t expect it to come back this soon. Since the start of the year my life has again rolled down the hill really drastically. I’ve lost so much, in a so short time.
My friends. The ones I care for. Those I trust. Those that made my life better and me happier. Why did they start lying to me? Why did they start ignoring me? Why did they start avoiding me? And why didn’t they want to resolve things? I tried to just see past these. Tried to think they where temporary. Tried to talk to one of them, (lets call her H). But H just always brushed it off like it was nothing. H easily talked her away from the situation, and I believed her, I believed her every time.
I even said goodbye to H, that I’m done, that I can’t take this anymore, that friends like this ain’t worth it. She asked why, and I explained it to her. With a really long text. But guess what. H ignored me. The next day I asked her why she ignored me. And H just answered that she didn’t want to argue about it. I said that that means she doesn’t care for me? And H said the same thing again and added that because she knows I care about her. I don’t even know how we ended up talking and being fine again...
But the biggest question of them all, why don’t they care for me? Why aren’t they there when I’m down and need them? It’s not fair. I’ve always been there for them. Little or big thing, I’m there. Even the smallest, like someone sending a streak snap that says “Gn…” (I mean the dot dot dot thing) I immediately ask them what’s wrong. But when I’m down? They don’t care. Even if I’m really f*cking down at the bottom. I isolated myself for 2 weeks. They didn’t ask me anything. Not if I’m okay, or if I wanna come out to hang with them. My streak snaps where all black, and not even one question of any one of them. I sent a few “seeking for attention” texts too. For example “I’m so f*cking done”. I even sent a picture of myself crying with svullen red eyes and mascara all over my face. And still… Not. Even. One. Question. Is this what friends do? Not care for each other? They want others to feel sympathy for them and comfort them, but they don’t do it for others? Wait no that’s not right. They do care for eachother, just not me.
Would they cared if I died? Would they cry for me? Or would they cry to make themself believe that they cared for me… I actually just a few weeks ago cried hysterically with a knife in my hand and stared at it the best I could through all my tears, and considered suicide. And that was because I also lost my best friend. The only human in my entire life that I always could open up to about everything. From deep to the silliest “shower thoughts”. The one that knows things and secrets about me that nobody else knows. The one I trusted the most. The one that was so f*cking important to me.
I could’ve taken the loss of my other friends, because I still had him right? No. First of he left me at the worst possible timing. He knew about everything I was going through, and he just left with no good reason. Tried to excuse himself with saying he was changing friend circles. But still, he kept many of the old ones, so why me? I can think of one another reason, but I didn’t think it was a problem. After the “problem” happened, he ensured that we were still gonna be friends right? Because I was important to him. Even a week before he cut off our friendship, he was there when I was down. He was worried. I said that I was surprised that someone cared, and that it doesn’t matter because everyone betrays you at some point. He just answered that of course he cared. But still, he a week later cut off or friendship with these exact words - “Sh*t went south, sorry not gonna be your best friend anymore”. He even was a real j*rk when I tried to understand what the h*ll happened, and it just became a fight.
I saw him a few days ago at the train station. I walked at his direction and passed right beside him. I know he saw me, but he didn’t lift his hand to wave at me or say hello, he didn’t even look me in the eyes. How did this happen? From best friends to nothing. That hurts.
A friend break up hurts more than a relationship break up. I cried for days. I cried at my friends house when I told about this for her, and for the first time out a loud. I still cry when something remind me of him, or when I miss all our crazy conversations. And I cry now, when I’m writing this.
I’m surprised I still trust people, because everyone I ever trusted eventually left me. And I believe those I have left will too.
I still wanna thank a few of them thought, for being there for me now, when I’m really deep down, and for caring for me. The ones that actually asked me if I’m okay, and what happened.
First. A. One I can open up to about almost everything. Especially all the deep stuff. I’m so grateful for her being my friend. She’s also the friend I’ve had the longest.
L. Also a great friend I can talk to, and that is on my side. Not just saying she’s on my side, she would actually stand on my side. I also trust her. Sadly we don’t see that often because she lives a bit longer.
T. A friend that I don’t meet often or talk to, because she works 247. But I still know she’s there for me if/when I need her,and she offers great advice.
And lastly someone I’ve just learned to know, but confirms the thing about caring. He didn’t even know me, and still tried to comfort me. And I’m so glad there’s people like him.
So why, why do the people I spend/spent most of my time with, and see them as my squad, why the f*ck don’t the care?!
So, I just needed a place to open up. I have no idea what to post here, but well, hope you enjoyed reading this, and do you have any similar problems.
